Saturday, February 28, 2009

...Yet

I'm not having a very good couple of days.  Since my last blog, I have graduated, spent a month in South California with dear friends and have come home to determine my 'next step'.  Well, it hasn't been easy (to say the least), and I have stared at job listings for hours upon hours, willing the perfect position to make itself known to me, giving me hope that this degree is not in vain. 

I finally found a wonderful position, believing it was prepared totally by the Lord.  I guess I let my imagination take off in this idea, and began planning what my life would look like while working for this organization.  Not only (in my imagination) had my daily responsibilities changed, but my living circumstances (I had moved into a sweet little apartment in Dallas), my ministry (I had become involved in a thriving church with a great disability ministry)... everything had changed.... in my head. 

You may be laughing now, and I don't blame you... it's weird, isn't it? How our imaginations run so wild with "possibilities"... leaving plenty of room to dream of different, better lives than the ones we're living now?  Well, humbly I admit this to you dear friends, I did... and am now paying the consequences.

I received a very kind email from the man who seemed so interested in me from the beginning, sincerely regretting the change in requirements for the position, but affirming my talents and abilities over and over with his kind words.  It was bittersweet, well more bitter than sweet if we're being COMPLETELY honest here.  

While I appreciated the sentiment, I couldn't help but feel rejected.  And this isn't the first position I have been rejected from, there have been quite a few actually, but this one stung the most.... probably because of this "other life" I was living in my head.  I felt (and still feel) frustrated by his words: "I know you'll do great things in your career," along with other kind statements. I'm frustrated because I too thought I would, as did many others, but I'm still here, in this place; no direction, no promise, nothing.  I'm frustrated because, people see talents and abilities, but no one is willing to take the chance on me.

Last night, I had a low.  I sat at my little white desk, staring at the laptop screen, re-reading the email until I couldn't bear it anymore.  Then I thought, "I guess I'll get nothing I want in life." And from that moment, I sunk into a bad place, listing the "I don't haves" and allowing myself to buckle under the weight of the cross, wishing it would go away once and for all. 

You see, I had come to terms with not having a busy social life, being a person who is expected to encourage, but not having anyone to let me fall, not having a relationship (but perpetually being invited to be a part of beautiful weddings).... 

BUT, academia, hard work, papers, projects, programs... THAT has been mine, and now I can't even obtain employment, the goal I have had for the past six years.  All the while watching fellow social work friends land great jobs, seeing their lives come together easily... So yes, it's disheartening. 

But then - I read over my last blog... "though the work yields no job... yet, I will rejoice in the Lord."  You see, when I wrote those words, I meant them.  But I can't help but wonder, did I?  Do I?  Do I believe the Lord is my joy, my salvation?  If I did, wouldn't I see His hand over these rejections?

I think the problem is this: I have expected the Lord to do something in this area of my life, I have expected He would bless my efforts, I have expected to be working, independent, serving... but now, I think Christ is taking away something I haven't laid down, or maybe something I have been "hiding in" for the past six years... 

I'm not sure what He's doing, but I know this: He's doing.

So this blog is more of a petition.  Family and friends, please pray for me in this moment.  I feel directionless and exhausted.  Pray I will surrendur every single dream to Christ, and leave room for Him to sanctify me into His image, in every single area of my heart and mind.  Please pray the enemy has no say in this matter, pray I will be guarded from the discouragements that so easily overwhelm me in these valleys, pray I remember the Lord is Emmanuel... with me even now, loving me beyond my shortcomings and calling me to His side.

I love you and thank you for your prayers,
Holly

3 comments:

Larry said...

Precious Holly,

Your honest words clean my heart. You said in your blog that you are paying the consequences for imagining the new job you so desperately wanted. Your desire and imagination are the most vital part of your heart. God designed them around every atom in your DNA! Things are not what they appear. You said that some of us might laugh at you for dreaming. I'm not laughing. I honor you and if I saw someone laugh at you, I would 1st ask forgiveness & then push them onto the ground. When I thought of the times that I didn't get my hearts desire, I did go through a season of doubt and fear, but I have come to realize that God is constantly pursuing me and my whole heart. I love that about God.

Grateful to call you friend,
See you at JF Camp this summer?
Larry LaTour` "Failures are the rungs on the ladder of success" Albert Einstein

Joe in Camarillo said...

Hi Holly,
I just finished writing a couple paragraphs to you when I lost it while trying to sign in....rrrrrr!

Instead....how about I say...keep your head up. You're coming out of the valley! No doubt!

Joe in Camarillo said...

Hey Holly,
Let us know. How ya doin'? Have you had any insight about your future path?

What would you do in life if you had an endless reserve of time and money? What would you do?

This is a good question to ask yourself if a life purpose is uncertain.

Good Luck
Keep your head up.
Stay busy.
Fellowship with others.
Do your best!