...Yet

I'm not having a very good couple of days.  Since my last blog, I have graduated, spent a month in South California with dear friends and have come home to determine my 'next step'.  Well, it hasn't been easy (to say the least), and I have stared at job listings for hours upon hours, willing the perfect position to make itself known to me, giving me hope that this degree is not in vain. 

I finally found a wonderful position, believing it was prepared totally by the Lord.  I guess I let my imagination take off in this idea, and began planning what my life would look like while working for this organization.  Not only (in my imagination) had my daily responsibilities changed, but my living circumstances (I had moved into a sweet little apartment in Dallas), my ministry (I had become involved in a thriving church with a great disability ministry)... everything had changed.... in my head. 

You may be laughing now, and I don't blame you... it's weird, isn't it? How our imaginations run so wild with "possibilities"... leaving plenty of room to dream of different, better lives than the ones we're living now?  Well, humbly I admit this to you dear friends, I did... and am now paying the consequences.

I received a very kind email from the man who seemed so interested in me from the beginning, sincerely regretting the change in requirements for the position, but affirming my talents and abilities over and over with his kind words.  It was bittersweet, well more bitter than sweet if we're being COMPLETELY honest here.  

While I appreciated the sentiment, I couldn't help but feel rejected.  And this isn't the first position I have been rejected from, there have been quite a few actually, but this one stung the most.... probably because of this "other life" I was living in my head.  I felt (and still feel) frustrated by his words: "I know you'll do great things in your career," along with other kind statements. I'm frustrated because I too thought I would, as did many others, but I'm still here, in this place; no direction, no promise, nothing.  I'm frustrated because, people see talents and abilities, but no one is willing to take the chance on me.

Last night, I had a low.  I sat at my little white desk, staring at the laptop screen, re-reading the email until I couldn't bear it anymore.  Then I thought, "I guess I'll get nothing I want in life." And from that moment, I sunk into a bad place, listing the "I don't haves" and allowing myself to buckle under the weight of the cross, wishing it would go away once and for all. 

You see, I had come to terms with not having a busy social life, being a person who is expected to encourage, but not having anyone to let me fall, not having a relationship (but perpetually being invited to be a part of beautiful weddings).... 

BUT, academia, hard work, papers, projects, programs... THAT has been mine, and now I can't even obtain employment, the goal I have had for the past six years.  All the while watching fellow social work friends land great jobs, seeing their lives come together easily... So yes, it's disheartening. 

But then - I read over my last blog... "though the work yields no job... yet, I will rejoice in the Lord."  You see, when I wrote those words, I meant them.  But I can't help but wonder, did I?  Do I?  Do I believe the Lord is my joy, my salvation?  If I did, wouldn't I see His hand over these rejections?

I think the problem is this: I have expected the Lord to do something in this area of my life, I have expected He would bless my efforts, I have expected to be working, independent, serving... but now, I think Christ is taking away something I haven't laid down, or maybe something I have been "hiding in" for the past six years... 

I'm not sure what He's doing, but I know this: He's doing.

So this blog is more of a petition.  Family and friends, please pray for me in this moment.  I feel directionless and exhausted.  Pray I will surrendur every single dream to Christ, and leave room for Him to sanctify me into His image, in every single area of my heart and mind.  Please pray the enemy has no say in this matter, pray I will be guarded from the discouragements that so easily overwhelm me in these valleys, pray I remember the Lord is Emmanuel... with me even now, loving me beyond my shortcomings and calling me to His side.

I love you and thank you for your prayers,

Holly