Where the Wind Blows..

It is a GLORIOUS morning here in the Arklatex... one in which golfers are busy cracking their clubs even before the sun has hit a decent rise. I tried to stay in bed for a while, but the laughter of "nice shots" drew me to the window.

I stood there watching the leaves dance to the rhythm of the wind, then decided to open up all the windows and invite the nice breeze in. The coolness of it awakened my senses and I was happy to have that moment. As balls fluttered in opposite-desired directions, leaves danced and senses awakened I thought about that scripture: "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit..." John 3:8.

Meditating on what it means to be born of the Spirit, I began to wonder how in the heck I ended up in this place, on this morning, doing this very thing.

I want to rewind back one day and let you into the dark, secret parts of my life... the parts that are difficult to share... the parts that are humiliating and humbling...but the parts that ferociously change, sanctify and move my spirit as freely as the wind...

I started the day off right: sipping orange truffle coffee, dressing in a pretty outfit, playing up my eyes and lips and straightening my hair... making all efforts to feel comfortable, confident and energetic.

I walked out of the apartment thinking, "I look pretty, I feel great and I'm going to work really hard... but tonight, I will be dressed up with no place to go and no friends to see." As the thought depressed me and feelings of loneliness began to overtake my spirit, I turned the corner, saw the truck and decided to only focus on what God gives in every single moment - and in that moment I thanked him for allowing me to drive, go to work and be independent... so off I went.

The day drew on... I laughed with patients, I grieved with them... I assisted, I encouraged... I did paperwork, I giggled with co-workers... I accomplished, I went home alone.... I fed Fancy, I turned on the television... I ate a cheeseburger, I felt tired... I turned off the television, I sat in silence...I thought of family, I thought of friends... I thought of those with love, I thought of those without... I felt alone, I felt nothing... I went to sleep, I woke up...

Then suddenly, through the beauty of a morning wind and the coolness of a new day - real love, clarity, truth come barreling into the soul: "The steadfast love of the Lord NEVER ceases...great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him." Lam.3:22-24.

No matter how many different places I see or friends I make; how many outfits I purchase or products I apply; how many meals I eat or movies I watch; how many patients I serve or lives I touch... one thing remains the same... the steadfast love of the Lord - and while I am born of the Spirit, drifting from emotional mountaintop to valley...He remains the same, His truth unwavering, His passion unveiling, His ferociousness frightening and His love freeing...

And His plan may move me to a place I feel all but comfortable in, but one in which I experience more of His favor and provision, than ever before on my journey...

So I'll continue to move as the wind moves, continue to be sanctified by the mysterious Holy Spirit, blowing from one glorious mountaintop, right into a depressing valley - all the while experiencing a steadfast, never-changing love of a Good Father.

"Wondrous Lord,

Thank You for caring more for my soul, rather than my physical comfort. Thank You for caring more about my wisdom than my nightlife. Thank You for caring more about my discernment, than my ability to line up dates far and wide. And finally, Thank You for Who You are. Thank You for loving a wretch like me.

Always Yours,
Holly♥"

The Bridge

When youre weary, feeling small,

When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;

Im on your side. when times get rough

And friends just cant be found,

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down.

This morning I needed some perspective. So I popped in the dvd of, "The Pursuit of Happyness" - desperate to be reminded of the brokenness that drowns our entire planet... not just in my own head and heart. I needed to be reminded of how truly blessed I am. I needed to be reminded my own heartaches don't measure up to the sufferings of no work, no food and no place to lay your head.

Toward the end of the movie, when everything that could go wrong does, Chris Gardner gives blood to buy food for his little boy while the soft music of "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" plays in the background. I watched in amazement how the love of a parent will make such a significant sacrifice. As tears filled my eyes because of the reality of this story - I was reminded of other blood that was given to heal my own disparities, my own heartaches, my own needs.

I listened to the song intently - suddenly seeing a picture of Christ giving all He had to those in need - whether it was physical or emotional - He poured out Himself so that we might find what we need in His sacrifice, His blood.

We are separated from the One True Need our hearts so long for - and Christ laid Himself down, as a bridge over troubled waters, so that we might get to the other side.

This season has been rough. It has been my first independent step of faith, and to be completely honest, it has taken everything I have not to buckle under the pressure, the stress and the disappointments. Out here I see who I really am, without the distractions of friends, family and activities - I see what I treasure, I see what I don't - and I'm not proud of the results.

A new place is a difficult thing. If you've ever moved, you know this truth. I have left the oh so safe environment of my home, my family and my friends. I have come to a new place where nothing of familiarity can be found, and it's just me; me trying to understand the plan of my Divine Father.

I am wading in 'troubled waters' right now. Not wanting to give into the lies of the enemy: "you are forgotten, you are alone and your dreams will never come true." But humbly I admit, instead of crying out to my Father, so often I turn to the television and ignore the reality that is around me.... but I can't anymore.

And now I am ready. I am ready to swim to shore, and instead of 'plunging into' the troubled waters - I'll take the Bridge. I'll believe He is enough, I'll find my strength in Him alone and He will lead me to the other side.

I know you are wading in troubled waters today, I know you are because we all are. My prayer is these words will inspire you to take the Bridge too... don't try to do this yourself, because you can't. Choose to believe together that Christ in enough; His yoke is easy, His burden light, He is our Bridge over troubled waters, and He's sailing right behind.

Sail on silvergirl,

Sail on by.

Your time has come to shine.

All your dreams are on their way.

See how they shine.

If you need a friend

Im sailing right behind.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind.

Below is a video I created of my friends and family - playing "Bridge Over Troubled Waters".

... He cheers each winding path I tread...

These past six months have been difficult. I completed graduate school only to fly from one end of the country to the other in hopes of getting to those “high places” I so often long for and dream of.

A few weeks ago I received a random phone call from an east Texas aunt, informing me of a social work position open in Texarkana. Because the pay was good, and benefits even better, she urged me to just apply… stating, “you never know what God wants Holls.” “Fine,” I rebuttled, “I’ll apply.”

Two hours later an interview is scheduled. Four day later an offer is made. Five days later I’m on a plane to Orlando, Florida. And six days later I know this is what God is giving.

When I wrote the note that God does things “beyond all we can ask or imagine,” I meant it and am a living testament to it today. I NEVER imagined this is what He would ask of me… but in His grace, I’ve seen His movement, and as a child I obey and move forward.

So my friends… I’m moving to Texarkana. I joke that it is “the place we don’t speak of” or “exile,” but deep in my heart I know this is what Christ is calling me to. I have NO IDEA why, but I go. The position is wonderful, my employers are Jesus lovers and I am spreading my wings. The Lord knew He wanted me to move forward in adulthood and professionalism, not backward into an internship or unrelated position.

I kicked and screamed for months because I truly wanted to go to DC and/or south California, but for whatever reason, He doesn’t want me there. He wants me in the pasture with the cows. So I go in great expectation that my faith will be tried, my mind will be stretched and my love will be used.

I’m most excited for this opportunity because I’m going alone. No one is going with me; no one is following me. I’m taking this step of faith into the wonderful promise that our God protects, provides and sanctifies wherever life may land us. I get to put His word to the test, and expect fully that every single need will be filled and those that aren’t will result in the opportunity to know the everlasting love of an incomprehensible Creator.

So, I say goodbye singing: “all the way my Savior leads me.”

In love

"All for love, the Savior prayed, Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do, let the cross draw man to You." - Hillsong

It's good Friday, and I wanted to take a moment and offer admiration to the One true God, Jesus Christ. This morning I have been pondering His life, what it meant, what He taught, who bought it, who didn't... then I began to think of all of the great worship songs I love to listen to, and all of the years past I have heard powerful hymns, all inspired by this man, this man Who changed all of reality.

Did you know there's not another person who's ever lived that has inspired more artists, writers, theologians, philosophers, scientists, mothers, fathers, daughter, brothers, and countless others than this man, this Jesus?

There's something ABOUT the Gospel - seriously. There's something about this story that changes you forever. We are all desperately seeking love, acceptance and belonging - we feel we may die if we are lacking, you know it's true. And wrapped up in one man, is the wellspring of every single human need... every single one.

More than that though, this man Who came with all the answers to our brokenness, all the answers to our insecurities, the answer to our suffering - this man who healed us, He layed down His life, so that we might truly live. Can you believe it? Someone has actually died for you, and not just anyone, the One Who made you.

"Search your heart, you know you can't deny it. Come on, lose your life, just so you can find it. The Father gave His only Son, just to save us...

The earth was shaken in the dark. All creation felt the Father's broken heart. Tears were filling heaven's eyes. The day the True Love died, the day the True Love died.

When blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn't move came crashing down. We were free and made alive, the day the True Love died, the day the True Love died.

But Jesus is alive, Jesus is alive, Jesus is alive, Jesus is alive. Jesus is alive, OH HE IS ALIVE!" - Phil Wickham

I am in love with this man. How could I not be. He makes sense of who I am, and He moves mountains in even the most unlikely people. He is Who He says He is, and He is alive.

All praise to the One True God, Jesus Christ,

Holly

...Yet

I'm not having a very good couple of days.  Since my last blog, I have graduated, spent a month in South California with dear friends and have come home to determine my 'next step'.  Well, it hasn't been easy (to say the least), and I have stared at job listings for hours upon hours, willing the perfect position to make itself known to me, giving me hope that this degree is not in vain. 

I finally found a wonderful position, believing it was prepared totally by the Lord.  I guess I let my imagination take off in this idea, and began planning what my life would look like while working for this organization.  Not only (in my imagination) had my daily responsibilities changed, but my living circumstances (I had moved into a sweet little apartment in Dallas), my ministry (I had become involved in a thriving church with a great disability ministry)... everything had changed.... in my head. 

You may be laughing now, and I don't blame you... it's weird, isn't it? How our imaginations run so wild with "possibilities"... leaving plenty of room to dream of different, better lives than the ones we're living now?  Well, humbly I admit this to you dear friends, I did... and am now paying the consequences.

I received a very kind email from the man who seemed so interested in me from the beginning, sincerely regretting the change in requirements for the position, but affirming my talents and abilities over and over with his kind words.  It was bittersweet, well more bitter than sweet if we're being COMPLETELY honest here.  

While I appreciated the sentiment, I couldn't help but feel rejected.  And this isn't the first position I have been rejected from, there have been quite a few actually, but this one stung the most.... probably because of this "other life" I was living in my head.  I felt (and still feel) frustrated by his words: "I know you'll do great things in your career," along with other kind statements. I'm frustrated because I too thought I would, as did many others, but I'm still here, in this place; no direction, no promise, nothing.  I'm frustrated because, people see talents and abilities, but no one is willing to take the chance on me.

Last night, I had a low.  I sat at my little white desk, staring at the laptop screen, re-reading the email until I couldn't bear it anymore.  Then I thought, "I guess I'll get nothing I want in life." And from that moment, I sunk into a bad place, listing the "I don't haves" and allowing myself to buckle under the weight of the cross, wishing it would go away once and for all. 

You see, I had come to terms with not having a busy social life, being a person who is expected to encourage, but not having anyone to let me fall, not having a relationship (but perpetually being invited to be a part of beautiful weddings).... 

BUT, academia, hard work, papers, projects, programs... THAT has been mine, and now I can't even obtain employment, the goal I have had for the past six years.  All the while watching fellow social work friends land great jobs, seeing their lives come together easily... So yes, it's disheartening. 

But then - I read over my last blog... "though the work yields no job... yet, I will rejoice in the Lord."  You see, when I wrote those words, I meant them.  But I can't help but wonder, did I?  Do I?  Do I believe the Lord is my joy, my salvation?  If I did, wouldn't I see His hand over these rejections?

I think the problem is this: I have expected the Lord to do something in this area of my life, I have expected He would bless my efforts, I have expected to be working, independent, serving... but now, I think Christ is taking away something I haven't laid down, or maybe something I have been "hiding in" for the past six years... 

I'm not sure what He's doing, but I know this: He's doing.

So this blog is more of a petition.  Family and friends, please pray for me in this moment.  I feel directionless and exhausted.  Pray I will surrendur every single dream to Christ, and leave room for Him to sanctify me into His image, in every single area of my heart and mind.  Please pray the enemy has no say in this matter, pray I will be guarded from the discouragements that so easily overwhelm me in these valleys, pray I remember the Lord is Emmanuel... with me even now, loving me beyond my shortcomings and calling me to His side.

I love you and thank you for your prayers,

Holly

What Christ Offers

"Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn the Father's love song goes on, drowning out my bitter songs, breaking through walls and barriers. Christ swoops in, removes sin, picks up His bride and carries her. So I can sing, in agreement with the King this thing. There's only one thing that pleases the Father, the God-man on the tree in midst of the scoffers - now I finally see that CHRIST IS what Christ offers. And I'm finally free, in the love of the Father."

 - Jimmy Needham

My mind's been reeling for days about the future.  Understandably so, with graduation creeping upon me.  This is the thing: most of us feel our lives are going to mean something, that God will shower us with His abundant blessings and pave the way to a safe and purposeful existence.... and we believe it will just HAPPEN, because we are His. 

So many times in my faith journey I offer up petitions asking the Almighty God for big movement in my life, big opportunities to come my way and big meaning to be found in my cross. 

Then one word comes, and truth begins flooding my fragile and wearied soul.  Suddenly, my mind and heart unite under the power of a sovereign God.  And there, in a little bedroom tucked away in North Texas, the Lord of the heavens not only meets with me, but brings deep understanding of what it means to be His. 

Maybe God isn't looking to make all of my pie in the sky dreams come true, maybe He's looking to make me come TO truth, He is my Reward. 

My reward is not a Masters degree, nor a television segment. My reward is not a host of friendships or a nice vehicle.  My reward is not a great job or a husband..... in all of life and all it has to offer.... Christ swoops in, removes sin, picks up His bride and carries her.... now I finally see that CHRIST is, what Christ offers...

I took Habakuk 3:17-19 last night and replaced some statements within it to describe my own desires. Habakuk communicates that his reward was not the fruit of his labor... but His God. I pray we be like Habakuk and realize our reward is Christ... not the "blessings" of a well-lived life. 

Though my love life may not blossom, nor friends be on the vines. Though the labor of my studies may fail and the work yields no job. Though the dreams may be cut off from the path and there be no promise in the sky... 

YET, I will rejoice in the Lord. I will take joy in the God of my Salvation. The Lord is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet & He will make me walk on my high hills. 

Let This be My Prayer

Graduation is one month from tomorrow.  And while my heart fills with relief and accomplishment, I cannot help but feel anxiety and fear of the unknown.  

You see, I went straight into Graduate school without even a small break.  I finished up at DBU and started UTA in the fall of 2006.  While I have definitely felt the weight of exhaustion these last two semesters... I recall all that God has done for me in the past year. 

If you followed my writing at FirstNet, then you know what I have been through, what I have faced and where God had placed me different moments throughout the year.  And now, with graduation one month away, I begin to wonder - - - what now Father?  Where do You want me?  Will every dream I have ever had for myself begin to come true now?  Will it not?  Will I handle life with grace and love, whatever the situation may be?  Help me Father... help me to love the unknown, for it is what pushes me into a deeper dependence upon You... the Only thing worth treasuring in this life. 

My sister Lacey bought the newest Celine Dion CD a few days ago, and allowed me to borrow it for a listen.  Do you remember the song, "The Prayer", Celine sang with Italian artist, Andrea Bocelli?  Well, this song has been the comfort of my soul for the past few days. 

If you listen to the lyrics, you begin to understand the song is written as a petition of people to the Almighty God... asking for His guidance in all of life.  Asking for His blessing on all we do.  And asking Him to be the light for every one of us. 

While I have no real knowledge of Celine or Andrea's faith, I have been singing this song to my Father and Savior for days.  It has been a source of not only comfort to my worried soul, but has also helped me communicate to the Almighty what I truly long for in this life.

I pray for wisdom, in times when I don't know.  I pray to be led by only His light for the rest of my life. I pray to be guided and comforted by His grace. I pray to find a place of safety solely in His arms. 

Now, I couldn't find a good video of Celine & Andrea... but here is one of her and Josh Groban, which is completely wonderful.  Take a minute, and offer up your personal prayer to the Almighty. 

The Prayer 

All my love,

Holly